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It’s never really an easy moment deciding on A right gift for someone. There are of course many safe gifts that we have come to easily adopt – think books, wine, chocolates and confectionery, flowers, cash in envelope, gift cards, and things along those lines. It’s not to say the safe gifts are always a bad idea. There are times and circumstances when the safe gift is actually the better and more thoughtful one to give.
If you think about it, a gift conveys a lot. A friend of mine hates her in-laws because every gift she has ever received from them is either faded (clothes) or partly damaged, or partly used. None of it is well packaged. Apparently, the in-laws will not spend any extra money but will try to recycle what they already have lying around at home. Incidentally, I got a chance to interact with her in-laws and found them to be very pleasant people. But this one single flaw has caused much friction and misunderstanding in an otherwise perfectly fine related people.
The issue with a bad gift is further compounded in that, it isn’t easy for anyone to bring up the problems associated with it. A family I know had this disaster – the kids (in 8th or 9th grade) asked their dad for a cricket bat & ball as a gift. The dad, in all his knowledge, ignorance, and magnanimity brought them a plastic ball & bat that is typically used by 3-5 year olds! Another time they apparently asked their dad to get them some good pens for writing, but were disappointed to be at the receiving end some cheap almost junk pens that developed a leak and was useless in a week or so of using it. The kids were furious, disgusted, and disappointed. They stopped making efforts to develop any meaningful relationship with the dad. Money was never an issue in this case. Turns out, the dad was emotionally disconnected from the needs of his growing kids.
A friend of mine was visiting India after a gap of 7-years. His parents are retired and live in Bangalore. They are not very tech savvy and just about manage to use the laptop for whatever little internet they need to use. They detest the smartphone and its so many bells and whistles that only adds to their confusion and gets in the way of productivity. The son presents them with an iPhone 4s! Add to this the additional problem that the phone is not yet unlocked. Meaning, they can’t yet use it in India and it will just remain a paper-weight! Turns out, the son himself isn’t too tech savvy and doesn’t understand the concept of jail-breaking and unlocking. His parents of course feigned joy, but later would complain about how their own son understands so little about them! Apparently, what they would have preferred is either a BP monitoring device or a tool-kit or something along those lines. How do I know? Because they expressed how difficult it is to go to the health centre just to get their BP checked. They expressed that lack of certain tools in the house makes it harder to get some works done.
These are classic examples of ill-mannered gift giving where the giver is not emotionally involved with the process of gift giving. For him, it’s just another social convention which he’s only happy to oblige. That’s the beginning and that’s the end too. If the gift-giver is much too self-involved and is thinking more about himself than anything else, he/she will never be able to give a gift that is all about the receiver. His gifts will always try to put the spotlight and glorification on himself! In order to give a gift that will bring joy to the receiver, there is need for the giver to put in some thought and know better the likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, needs and such similar things about the receiver. The gift confirms an existing bond and strengthens it. The gift can make new bonds. Most times all it takes is a genuine concern and the rest just follows. Of course there will be honest mistakes along the road, but the genuine nature of the act will find it’s way to turn the mistake into a humorous anecdote which will then become a much cherished memory – that’s two gifts rolled into one!
What I find is that the best gift-givers have a very keen eyes and ears. A colleague of mine knows the best places and bargains for gift purchase in Kolkata. Apparently she’s scoured through many many stores and shortlisted one or two that fits the bill. She also collects t-shirts and jerseys with our company logo to gift to people. She says she’s always listening very keenly to people when they speak to her. Subtle hints or any small inkling is all she needs to pick a right gift for the person. She also takes much pleasure in making sure the packaging of the gift is done right without any shoddiness.
Another aspect of a proper gift-giving is to not expect anything in return. Once the gift is given it’s a done deal. Do not expect a return gift. Much worse would be expecting something of equal economic value! That becomes trade and you’ve become a business man! At the end of the day, gift-giving is not an exact science. There are no rigid protocols or principles. There is no one single right or recommended procedure to adopt. However, there are some general guidelines to ensure the purpose of gift-giving is accomplished. Those general guidelines include –
1) Being emotionally involved in the moment and with the recipient,
2) Being thoughtful and considerate about the needs and requirements of the person.
3) Making the gift all about the recipient rather then the giver or the given,
4) Being a good listener to enable you catch the hints people drop all the time about what they may want/need,
5) Being watchful and wise about places from where you can get those gifts without breaking the bank and without compromising on quality. Recycling is alright, but you need to ensure it meets the basic criteria. It shouldn’t be used or abused, it shouldn’t be faded and if it isn’t supposed to be (some clothes if they’ve been kept unopened in the box for long will develop some strange discoloration!).
6) Not expecting a trade when you give a gift. Just give for the sake of giving and bringing joy to the receiver.
7) Well packaging the gift is very important.
8) Most men may not think much about any accompanying note with the gift, but women appreciate a nice note.
9) If you are limited by budget, prioritize the gift giving. Kids come first, women next, and men…well, last.
What about when you have to accept a gift? You should accept it very gracefully. You may feel an obligation to reciprocate in some form or another. But set that thought aside for the right moment. For now, as you accept a gift, participate in the joy of the giver. Your enthusiasm adds to making the moment more memorable. Don’t be stuck up in some misplaced notion of self-esteem where you feel the need to decline every gift or offering. There will be occasions when you may need to decline it too, and that should be handled with equal sensitivity and elan.